Now, if you happened to have seen the new Lady Gaga video for her song Telephone, the question above could pretty much be used in reference to absolutely anything happening during the nine minute video-aneurysm. We haven't been this baffled by a music video since R.Kelly's, Trapped in the Closet...which we fucking LOVED by the way..."Rosey the Nosey Neighbor"? C'mon, that shit was gold. And so, it's with equal excitement that we decree that Gaga's video rules just as hard.

Dig this! We got one more nugget of Lebowski-related smut news to throw your way. Who knew?

Given the fact that Tom Byron's starring in the upcoming XXX spoof-out, and also given the fact that Tom hosts a regular feature on POPPORN in which he doles out shitty advice to whatever punk-ass dickheads that care to send a question or two his way, we thought it would just make sense to see if The Lord of Ass wanted to answer a few questions from the horde of Coen-crazed film geeks among our ranks.

It's quiet today.

That typically means we spend a little time wandering the internet passively lusting after select, chosen women. Not a creepy kind of lust, more like a Sailor and Lula kind of deep, transcendental lust that lights cigarettes without matches and freezes knees.

Oh man, did you dudes hear about this shit goin' down between X-Play's Jeff Mullen and L.A. Direct's Derek Hay? Fuckin' a, man. Dudes be in' beefin'. For real.

There's these extra-small condoms being made in Switzerland lately. They're expected to hit the shelves in the United Kingdom pretty soon as well. These jimmy-hats generally boast a diameter of about 45mm (in contrast to the usual 52mm size found in jimmy-hats). Why the tiny size? Is the condom industry finally catering to the market made up of poorly endowed men who want to get fucked without fear of disease (and who are sick of the embarrassment they suffer when their condom falls off of their ween in mid-fuck)? Well, maybe, but more specifically, they're catering to 12 year olds.

Who knew?

Now, these folks are my kinds of dickheads! A group of uppity students at the University of Texas San Antonio have begun a program called "smut for smut" which aims to trade religious material for pornography! Pretty cool, no?

I know for a lot of us, it's tough to remember anything that happened more than three or four days ago, let alone a full month. But back in January, we mentioned an upcoming Big Lebowski spoof that New Sensations was getting ready to drop into our proverbial laps. At the time, we knew that director extraordinaire Lee Roy Myers was planning to cast some regular joes (aka non-pornographic performers) to round out a few choice roles in the cast, but aside from that, we really didn't have a clue who else would be appearing in the thing, let alone who would be filling Jeff Bridges resin-coated shoes in the lead role as Jeffrey Lebowski, better know as the dude.

Hey peoples! I just read this awesome article on the website I work for, AVN.com, about how pornography is all good for society and shit, and thought I’d share a few of my own thoughts about this topic, since I know you all love the pornos as much as I do, and will surely agree with me.

I don't really know about you guys, but here at POPPORN, we're digging the fuck out of that new Joanna Newsom album. It's boss as fuck, and it's, like, ten hours long! A true magnum opus. After hearing it, it was unanimously decided that we've got to get a interview with Madam Newsom up on our site as soon as possible. If we were lucky, she'd even break out the harp and croon out a few choice nuggets for us. if we were really, really lucky, she'd even get naked, as is the custom here at POPPORN. I mean, we're better looking than Bill Callahan, and she got down with him (and I'm talking downtown)!

Unsurprisingly, Joanna turned us down flat, and even took out a restraining order against Bangs. She's more than happy to appear on Jimmy Fallon's unfunny snooze-fest, but not on a somewhat well-regarded pornographic faux news site like ours? What's up with that?

Anyway, fuck it. We just went with the other Joanna instead. Because she gets what we're all about.

If there's one thing we hate around here it's awards. Maybe our bile spews forth because awards in general seem to reward the most obvious of contenders, leaving out a wide diversity of talent that exists in any given creative field. Perhaps it's because sometimes it appears as though the votes were "bought" for any given winner via ad revenue, kickbacks or any variety of scamola, thus nullifying the value of the award. Or, it could be the general lack of achievement that any award show seems to acknowledge.

It's been a while since I authored a comical (or not so comical, depending on your opinion of my inane banter) about prostitutes, so I guess it's time!

This one caught my eye for two reasons. First, it involves prostitutes, which are usually my only outlet for attempting intercourse with a member of the opposite sex . I say "attempting", because, to date, I have never successfully completed a sexual encounter. They often end in tears (mine), blood (mine) or significant financial losses (theirs). But regardless, I enjoy prostitutes, so any news piece about them is always worthwhile, if you ask me. Secondly, this piece involves cardiovascular health, another subject I'm forced to pay attention to, as I am more than likely to suffer heart attack before the age of thirty-five, due to my overwhelming and crippling inability to deal with stress of any kind, as well as my uncontrollable appetite for things that are horrible for me (blow, cheese and grease).

So, last night a homosexual friend of mine brought to my attention an article on Esquire's website about the lovely Ms. Taryn Thomas and the war between her version of Jersey Shore and ours. Check it out here - it's a good fuckin' read and you can browse their website for all kinds of awesome new kinds of push-ups that you'll never do, as well as learn about super expensive shaving creams that apparently blow you while you're shaving!!

While it was a helluva article, there were a few comments in there that we at POPPORN just had to take umbrage with so we took the initiative to re-write the damn thing to tell the whole truth.

Nobody can deny that New Orleans has had a tough couple years. Clearly, we don't need to go into the hows and whys of it all, but some bad shit happened to that town, and I gotta say, it's nice to see things looking up a bit. Not only did the Saints score a major footballic win just a little while ago, but now some new statistical data's been released with even better news for New Orleans. Get this - the Big Easy is the largest dicked town in the whole US of A! Who knew?

Okay, the title of this video implies that everybody taking part in this thing was hammered. Personally, I wasn't there, so I can't really stand behind that accusation. I mean, I'm pretty sure BUCKTON was hammered for the whole awards show. i can't really say for sure whether or not Alektra and Kaylani are. You'll have to judge for yourself. Unless the two of them show up here at POPPORN and leave a bunch of comments and whatnot, which we all hope they will.

Anyway, as you see, this is the first batch of footage we cobbled together from the hot shit AVN Awards in January. Sure, it's not exactly timely, but who the fuck gives a fuck? Come on. Lots more to come. You wait and see.

Okay, we didn't piss and moan when we were totally robbed of all of the AVN awards that we should rightfully have won. We didn't throw any fuckin' fits when we didn't score a single Xbiz award for our bitch-ass awesome parody TMSleaze (at least not publicly). We didn't even hoot and holler when the original score BUCKTON and Stanko composed for the Meryl Streep vehicle Julie and Julia didn't get a single fuckin Oscar nod.

But when I saw that the Tranny Awards are set for March 4th of this year (mere weeks away), and we didn't score a single, solitary, lone fucking nomination....well, I've fucking had enough. I guess I just don't know what you have to do to win an award in this fucking business.