I know what you're thinking . . .

You're thinking, "Damn, I wish I could live the life of a porn star." While you're sitting at work entering data into a computer, convincing customers that they really need that extended warranty, or whipping up a grande caramel macchiato, some people are getting paid to engage in copious copulation with beautiful people all day.

You envision yourself waking up at the crack of noon and cruising down to the set in nothing but your silk robe. You saunter into a scene from Caligula (or maybe Heavy Metal) where a room full of bare-breasted, subservient women await your arrival. They anticipate and cater to your every need in preparation for the shoot, rubbing you down with oil, hand-feeding you grapes, and perhaps even warming you up a bit with a pre-production blowjob. As soon as you hear that funky bass line, you know it's time to get down to business. You throw off your robe and earn your salary by sticking it to your sexy costar in every imaginable position before coating her face in your precious fluids. After a short break with the fluff girls, it's time for the after-party where the booze flows like water and a night full of orgies ensues.

If only life could be so sweet.

I hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but the cold, hard truth of the matter is that porn is a job for everyone involved. A POV shoot could easily involve nothing more than the girl, the cameraman, and a couch with no extra perks. On the flip side, if you're lucky enough to be working on a more mainstream production for a reputable company with a bigger budget, you might be lucky enough to find a fully staffed set with lighting trucks, cameramen, video techs, grips, make-up artists, and a craft service table (a term borrowed from Hollywood) with a dedicated chef grilling steaks and tossing salads. However, more often than not, you'll find yourself dealing with smaller-staffed and usually less organized lower-budget productions.

The director will instruct you to show up whenever he thinks he'll need you, which could be any time from early in the morning to late at night, and typically you can expect spend some time waiting around until he's really ready for you. I'm here to tell you that the horror stories about girls getting stuck on a set for 20 hours are not fabricated, and it would behoove you to show up prepared to entertain yourself with a magazine, a laptop, or an unabridged copy of War and Peace. Once in a blue moon, a shoot will find itself ahead of schedule, and you will get a panicked call from the production manager asking you to come in early.

The on-camera talent has little control over who they will be working with. You always hope that you'll end up in the sack with someone you know and like who has a reliable libido, but that's often not the case. Sometimes you end up with a new guy who struggles to rise to the occasion, stretching what should have been a one-hour shoot into three or four hour production. After a while, most performers establish lists of people that they are not willing to work with, but occasionally, a disrespectful douche bag of a director will choose to disregard this information. When something like this happens, it's time to put your agent to work. The true value of being represented by a respectable, ass-kicking agent like Mark Spiegler becomes apparent when you hear him chewing out a director for making your job more difficult or unpleasant than necessary.

During a shoot, extracurricular fornication is generally frowned upon because it slows down the production. Most directors prefer not to find their talent sweaty, lethargic, and in need of a new coat of make-up. After an hour or twenty, the working day is done, everyone is usually too exhausted for the orgy-filled after party. If you're lucky, there might be a shower on set that isn't coated with such a dense layer of grime that you're afraid to set foot in it, and after a refreshing rinse, you want nothing more than to head home and relax and hope that the current shitty economy won't prevent you from filling your calendar with more work in the coming weeks.

BELLADONNA'S ASS WIDE OPEN

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