Okay. What the fuck, people?

Bangs sent me an email a few days ago containing two email addresses. One of them was for up-and-coming porn starlet Katie St. Ives. The other was well-known porn star Marie Luv. Both are great people from what I hear. Both are terribly friendly. Both are goddamn killer performers. Just take a look at Katie's performance in Digital Sin's recent gangbang extravaganza Bang Bang Bang for proof of that. So Bangs wanted an interview.

Sure thing, I said. I shot an email off to both of them asking if we could touch base sometime in the coming days and talk for just a few minutes so I could throw together a little, "getting to know you" kind of thing for POPPORN. Nothing too serious. Well, maybe a little bit serious. I mean, nobody wants to read a puff piece, do they? They want good solid journalistic excellence here. Not that I'm claiming I could provide such a thing. But anyway, I wrote to the two of them and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And now...I'm beginning to think that they're not going to write me back. So I ask again...what the fuck, people?

Did word get out about my absolutely terrible interviewing style (a manner of speaking that leaves all parties emotionally drained and physically ill for most of the afternoon)? Did they talk to Kristina Rose and learn that I've been constantly emailing her with requests for various sums of money ever since she let me interview her? Did they hear about the lies we told about Lee Stone and want to avoid having the same slanderous fate befall them?

Whatever the reason, these women did not reply to my generous offer of interviewitude. So you know what? It's fuckin ON, Marie Luv and Katie St. Ives. You two just made my enemies list and trust me, that is not a place you want to be. I am a fierce enemy and I will stop at nothing to rend my opponents asunder. I strike when you least expect it, with the fury of a thousand hurricanes and the sleek, effortless beauty of a snowflake made out of razorblades. In short, I expect to destroy you within the week.

I will still be happy to carry out an interview if need be, but nothing can stop the chain of events that are now in motion. You can't disturb a beast like the one living inside me and expect it to go back to it's peaceful slumber before it's tasted blood. Such a thing does not happen. Mark these words well, Katie St. Ives and Marie Luv. I mean your doom.

But hey, let's get an interview together!

(Note: Since authoring this article, Katie St. Ives has, in fact, responded to me. As a matter of fact, she's now waiting on me, so we'll have an interview coming up real soon. Marive Luv, though...)

BANG, BANG, BANG!

SHE'S GOT WHITE FEVER