Hey, you know that restaurant Red Robin's? Sure you do! You know, it's got burgers/fries, fruity drinks for pussies, pansies and wusses and all kinds of crazy crap on the walls? But here's a hot nugget of truth that I bet you didn't know - the secret owner of Red Robin's is none other than 2010 AVN Female Performer of the Year - TORI BLACK!

How do I know this, you may ask? Pure speculation, I may answer! And do!

You see, it all started a few weeks ago when we wrapped production on our boss-ass new movie THE DELINQUENTS as well as shooting the teaser trailer for our upcoming HANGOVER PARODY. We had just finished shooting Tori's segment of the trailer and it was just about lunch time. Tori was supposed to do lunch with Kristina Rose but it turned out Kristina was too busy crashing her car into walls while really high on the ganj. So, me and Bangs decided to step in for her as Tori's lunch date. We proceeded to ask her where she wanted to go for some good California chow and with out hesitation, Tori started to jump up and down not unlike a retarded kangaroo and squeal - "Red Robin's! Red Robin's!" Never being men to disappoint a retarded kangaroo-impersonating squealer, Bangs and I obliged the fuck out of that offer.

After getting incredibly lost trying to find the restaurant (which is whole other story that we don't have time for now. Suffice to say it involved a Ponzi scheme and a run in with the Eternian, Fisto) we finally located the eatery in some underground mall which was for some reason populated by dudes in giant TEETH costumes where nothing was what it seemed and people confused waterfalls with fountains.

So, we enter Red Robin's and found Ms. Black at a table already chowing the fuck down on some MOZZ STICKS. Now, you people don't really know how I "roll" but anyone that does know me knows that I groove the fuck out on mozz sticks! In fact, I have a little game I play with my local pizza place where I call them up and order "monsterella" sticks. They totally know what I'm talking about every time. FEAST ON THAT! Hmm, I don't like this paragraph, I'm gonna start a new one.

There we were, sharing mozz sticks with Tori and looking over our menus. We try to steer the conversation to interesting topics like: us, what we do, movies we make, how awesome our shirts are, stories about how drunk we got the other night, He-Man fan fiction - but she's not having ANY of it. No, no, no - all Tori Black wants to talk about is Red Robin's! I mean, we're AT this place! Why would you wanna talk about where you're at? When I'm at a place, I don't talk about where it is that I am, I talk about where it is I was or maybe where it is I'm gunna be is.

So she's all like:

• Blah, blah, blah - Red Robin's is the greatest thing of all things and I KNOW things!.
• Blah, blah, blah - order anything on the Red Robin's menu, seriously - ANY THING! It's all good, NO - it's all GREAT!
• You guys have GOTTA try this special Red Robin's Special Seasoning - I'M SERIOUS! PUT IT ON YOUR FRIES NOW!
• If Red Robin's did porno, it would have won Female Performer of the year, not me.
• Why aren't you putting Red Robin's Special Seasoning on your melon slices?
• After we leave this Red Robin's we should go to another one. That's a good idea, huh?

Weird, huh? I mean, don't get me wrong - I enjoyed the fuck outta my meal and even the homosexual drink that I had was pretty tasty and didn't turn me full-gay. But we had to wonder - why was Tori spending so much of her energy talking up Red Robin's?

And then it dawned on me.

Half joking, I quipped - "Hot damn, lady. What are you, like the secret owner of Red Robin's or something?"

She didn't laugh. Didn't even smile. She simply stood up, snapped her fingers and a burlap sack was put over my head.

When I came to, which could have been hours or even days later, I was tied up in a chair. The room I was in was small. I was naked. There was Red Robin's Special Seasoning on my cock and balls.

A door opened, and THE Red Robin entered the room. In his hand was a picture of me asleep with my favorite cat, Yoda.

"I took this of you when you were asleep", he said to me.

"But my eyes are open," I replied.

He spit on me.

"If I took this of you, then you know what this means. I know your house and I can put Red Robin's Special Seasoning on you and eat you whenever I want", he said.

"Chickens can't take pictures." I choked out through the blood in my mouth.

He tazed me.

"You've stumbled upon a forbidden secret," he yelled at me, "The Red Robin would prefer it if the public would not ever find out that a pornographer owns it's company."

"I'm sorry, Chicken Man."

The bag went over my head again and I was knocked unconscious.

So, there you have it. I'm pretty sure most of that actually happened. Either that, or we just had a nice meal with Tori Black where she may have or may not have talked about Red Robin's a little bit too much and then went comic book shopping with her. Honestly, I was so fuckin' hungover that day I might not have even gotten out of bed.

OK, I'm gonna go whack off now to this picture of Stinkor fucking Teela. I still think it's hilarious that Stinkor stinks so bad that he has to wear a filtration apparatus over his face to protect himself from his own stink. Priceless!

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THE DELINQUENTS

STRIPPER DIARIES