"It's my last night in town for a while and I want my vagina to spend it with you."

Normally, these words should be a powerful aphrodisiac. It's like, hey, I bang a few people, but you're my favorite cock, so you should come stick it in me one more time before I'm not on the right coast to access that particular piece of meat.

Apparently not. Whatever. I'm only being cranky about this to distract myself from the fact that I'm in Phoenix getting on the second airplane of the day. I'm terrified of them. Nothing bad has ever happened on a flight (aside from that one dude who I was convinced had SARS and the plane being detained after landing to wait for medical people to come get him), no one I know died in a plane crash, and I've taken quite a few flights to various places. It still scares the living daylights out of me. I'm one of those people that squeals every time we hit turbulence and clutches their animal shaped pillow (oh, who am I kidding. It's a comfort stuffie for me to clutch and cry into when the pilot says scary things like "due to high winds, we're taking off with virtually no fuel").

There should be an airline like the one in "The Opening of Misty Beethoven", and all the stewardesses should dress like the ones from "The 5th Element". Eye candy and oral sex would make the whole experience much less stressful. Or maybe joining the Mile High Club would help. Unfortunately, there rarely seem to be any attractive single people in airports, and when I do see one it's usually as they board a plane to a different destination than me.

One time, I was quietly editing photo sets on my computer while seated next to an elderly woman when the steward came up and told me to put away my 'obscene material'. The woman next to me had more to say to him than I did about art and freedom of sexual expression. It was pretty amazing.

Stoya, good luck, may the wind be at your back and may we suggest these DVDs for the flight (if not the wine bar...)

2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY

CAST AWAY

FLIGHT 93