In my other life as a real journalist, I get about 200 press releases a day. Lately, way more, given that Mitt Romney's PR campaign is sending a new one every half hour and there is no unsubscribe option.

Today, I got a good one about Dr. Kenneth Ryan. Dr. Ryan is a relationship expert and author of Finding Your Prince in a Sea of Toads: How to Find a Quality Guy Without Getting Your Heart Shredded. He and his wife, the press release says, have counseled engaged couples about sex for over 10 years. He's also a veterinarian.

He stresses multiple times that he's a Christian and the principles in his book are based on Biblical ideals, but that he does not ever reference God in the book. This advice is all logical, and would work for a woman of any faith or lack thereof. And boy, being not a woman, does this man know the universal truth about women. No, really: "The principles I discuss are universal for all single women," he writes on his website, findingyourprince.com.

My three favorite tips in the press release are as follows:

4. You can't put a condom on your heart - Contrary to popular opinion, your heart is at just as much risk as your reproductive system. Since you can't put a condom on your heart, safe sex is a myth. A girl's heart is at much greater risk than the guy's.

5. Sex is like Duct Tape - Sex is meant to help one couple bond together permanently for life. Each time it is used outside of marriage, it loses some of its stickiness.

6. Guys say "love" to get sex. Girls give sex to get love. Sorry girls, sex won't buy you genuine love. It is very easy for men to have sex without love or commitment but women violate their own inner voice of sanity and femininity when they have sex without commitment. His self esteem may go up but yours will go down. Perhaps it's not fair but that's how it is.

As you may know from how much I hate Valerie Pokorny, and now this guy, I feel like it's an archaic thing to try to teach women that they have sex for love while men have sex for pleasure. This was an actual test question on my 7th grade Health Class test, and I remember feeling very confused. When are we going to stop making women bad for having a sex drive and wanting to have sex? This school of thought seems to indicate that men are all manipulative liars, and women are all stupid histrionics.

Dr. Ryan thinks women are especially stupid. His book's contents, according to his website findingyourprince.com, include how to talk to a man, why not to sleep with him, how not to panic and rational relationships. The very first section he describes thusly:

"No matter how pathetic you are at conversation right now, conversing is a learned skill and you can become an expert if you choose. Knowing how to start a conversation and keep it going is the difference between him and not knowing you exist and him wanting to spend more time with you. You can do it. Let me tell you how."

I think this works better by saying, "You're a dumb woman and men aren't interested in your dumb lady talk. Knowing how to start a conversation and keep it going is the difference between getting your head chopped off and thrown in a pit or not that, according to this 1001 Arabian Nights. You can learn how to put words together into sentences that men would like. Let me, a man, tell you how, by selling my book to you and having you read it."

Now, about reading the book. I know you ladies are too dumb too read well, so lucky for you he writes:"I wrote it in bite size chapters so you can brag to someone that you read three chapters of a book today -- even though it might only take you six minutes to read them." Most people are super impressed when I tell them I read something today. Now you might be saying to yourself, "Maybe for some women, this book would be helpful, but not all women." But no, Dr. Ryan says, "I sincerely believe that no single woman can safely or effectively date without the information in this book."

So, you heard it here first, ladies. If you're a single woman and you think you like sex, you don't. It might be unfair, but you're just going to fall in love immediately, you dumb bitch, and your self-esteem will be in the shitter, even if it was a pleasant one-night-stand that you both enjoyed. Maybe if you talked more better to men, they'd be more interested in stuff other than your vagina, but you don't know how because you've never read this book! But don't worry, whore! "Regardless of how many men you have slept with or how nasty you have been, 'there is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still.'" That last bit is actually a quote from Corey Ten Boom's book The Hiding Place. Except that Corey's name is actually spelled Corrie (good fact-checking, Dok!) Corrie passed at age 91 in April of 1983. The quote was not one that she came up with herself. It is something her sister Betsie said to her in 1944, on her death bed in a concentration camp where she and Corrie were imprisoned for hiding Jews from Nazis. Same difference, right?

Anyhow, I wrote Dr. Ryan a song. Maybe he'll use it as entrance music for his lectures. This one's for you, "Dok".

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