As of late I can’t write fast enough to keep up with the endless stream of bullshit that flows from the fine folks on Capitol Hill and in the nation’s expansive, almost unbelievably ridiculous court system. I do however think that I owe POPPORN loyalists more than just a series of bullets informing you of the lunacy we are witnessing. So I’ll try and pick one issue and speak on it in depth but seriously, people need to research this shit. As cliché as it may sound, and believe me I know it does, knowledge is definitely power, and they are counting on your apathy. Every word you read is one more piece of information that they don’t want you to have. So if nothing else, read up just to fuck with them. Moving on.

I can’t believe I have to say this, but if you are an ardent anti-porn crusader, honestly, keep it in your fucking pants. While I count myself amongst the largest fans of the vagina I’ve always cheered on the gay community and rallied against those who would seek to deny them rights based on what they believe the Bible to say. Of course what begins as mild disdain for what I hope are backward-thinking old school religious politicians becomes what can only be described as a fiery hatred when they prove to be the hypocritical bigots you’ve always suspected them of being. That isn’t to say that I find any validity in their views. Just more often than not I can, at the very least, understand where they’re coming from, wrong as they may be. But when they are exposed as the type of scum that most would assume they are from the very beginning it only makes it that much more difficult to give the benefit of the doubt to other members of their incestuous idiotic brood.

This is not the case when it comes to Troy King (pictured above), Attorney General of the fine state of Alabama. That doesn’t mean that he is one of those people who, regardless of their opinions, you have to give a pass due to what one can only surmise as inbreeding. Rather he’s the type who’s never warranted any consideration at all. He is the proud bigot. He is one of those dangerous individuals who are able to instill pride in other bigots by flaunting their own ignorance as though it were a badge of honor masking their hatred as an ideology. Anne Coulter, Glenn Beck, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, whom I hope is serving an infinite sentence in the deepest circle of hell, are of this variety.

I’m not going to lend credence to anything Mr. King has ever said by repeating his drivel here but suffice to say that his outlandish commentary in regards to the homosexual community, the AIDS epidemic and the mere existence of the Gay-Lesbian Alliance on his state’s campuses are enough to land him a court-side seat next to Hitler in the Theater of Eternal Damnation. Well now Mr. King, the faithful father of three who is amongst other things vehemently pro-life was found in bed with a male aide. King was discovered by his wife Paige in the loving embrace of a former “Homecoming King” during King’s undergraduate days at Troy University. Paige, you must have seen this coming. Anybody who harbors such ill will towards a particular demographic, especially to the degree King has, must have some type of suppressed urge to join said demographic and in my experience 9 times out of 10 almost all of them will at some point buckle and join the fray.

Mr. King is also the current defendant in retailer Sherri Williams’ fight for the legalization of “obscene devices”, defined as novelties whose main purpose is sexual stimulation, in the Eleventh Circuit Court (comprising Alabama, Georgia and Florida) where King’s predecessor Bill Pryor now sits after being elevated to the position by President Bush in a recent appointment. While there is no word yet whether Governor Bob Riley will ask for King’s resignation the announcement that King was to act as campaign chairman for John McCain’s Leadership Team in Alabama have since been removed from McCain’s Website.

Now you may think that it’s only these old fundamentalist fucks within government who are capable of this type of douchebaggery but wait, pseudo-leftists can play the same game. Many moral crusaders whose causes seem far more just are guilty of the same type of shit as their counterparts in positions of power. For example, let’s say a young college student whose motives are not to hate a particular group of people but rather to spread the feminist beliefs that he’s acquired through his studies. Beliefs he preaches, but has trouble practicing. Kyle Payne (seen below), a 22-year-old college student from Buena Vista University, which you may be surprised to learn is in Iowa, has recently plead guilty to a felony charge of attempted burglary in the second degree as well as two counts of invasion of privacy, very serious misdemeanors. Those charges stem from an incident in 2007 where Payne, who was acting as a dormitory resident advisor, assaulted and photographed a drunken, unconscious female student he was responsible for caring for. According to AVN “tips received by both local police and campus security personnel following the incident led to a ten month investigation that resulted in Payne’s arrest in February”.

Not that ironic you say? Surely you jest. Amongst his other activities (rape maybe?) Payne has written in a personal blog, The Road Less Traveled, since 2007 where he denounces the evils of violence against women, including his quest against pornography which he deems as systemic of the “rape culture”. Payne who subscribes to a form of feminism very much in the vein of the radical feminist Andrea Dworkin considers himself an advocate of “survivors of sexual violence” and lists his accomplishments on his resume, this according to an article in the Ida County Courier, as having “written papers and given several public presentations on feminist critiques of pornography, prostitution, and the ‘rape culture’”. Recent additions might include “may face up to five years in prison in addition to a fine of up to $7,500 for violating, nay obliterating, beliefs once claimed to possess”

You know I’m not really a religious guy. In fact as I’ve previously mentioned I have a tendency to get pretty pissed off by those bible-bangers who preach endlessly about the love of Jesus or Buddha or whomever. But I need to at the very least believe in the basic principles of karmic justice. I just have to hope that people will be repaid for their more wicked deeds because if nothing else it helps me sleep at night and eases the nausea I feel every time these pundits open their mouths. I can just breath a little easier knowing, at least in my mind, that for his sins against humanity Geraldo will suffer a violent injury involving motorized farm equipment while trying to break the story about Anne Coulter’s (I know I mentioned her earlier but I just hate her so much) impending jail sentence for executing and gorging herself on neighborhood children whilst dressed in the Nazi SS uniform she purchased on eBay.

The thing about these people is that it’s not just how wrong they are. Some of the nicest people in the world have some pretty misguided views. I should note that when I say misguided I mean shit like supporting Ron Paul because somebody tells you he wants to abolish the income tax. If you’re a Nazi, all bets are off. I don’t care if you’re the biggest sweetheart on the fucking planet you’re still a hate-filled moron. Anyway, it’s not just the fact that they’re wrong. It’s their incessant desire to jam their opinions down other people’s throats that make them simply unbearable. Maybe it’s their thirst for the spotlight. Perhaps it really is a zealous quest to prove their points to the world.

The damn thing is that it’s the fact that they preach endlessly about their nonsense that makes it so much fun to give them shit after their proverbial fall from grace. If they’d just kept quiet I don’t think I’d take nearly as much joy in publicizing their indiscretions as I do. So I guess, for what it’s worth, thanks for your insincere in-your-face bullshit. It does give me something to do. But seriously, consider just shutting the fuck up. And if you do deem it necessary to continue to try and spread your hatred to the farthest recesses of the world, well then you’d better be prepared. Because when you finally give in to that nagging impulse to blow a guy in your marital bed even though your wife is due back any minute, all those assholes that doubted your false bravado, like me, are going to be there to call you out for being the hypocritical piece of shit you really are.