A next-day-air envelope was waiting for me on my desk when I arrived at the incredibly lonely POPPORN offices this morning. Inside it was a stack of photographs, accompanied only by a crumpled and torn three-page letter.

Unfortunately for us all, aside from “POPPORN”, “Bizzos” and “MICK BLUE”, I couldn’t make out a fucking word of it. But hey, at least there were photos. And what fuckin’ photos they were!

Judging from the pics BUCKTON sent my way, I can only assume he’s living the high life that god always intended him to have. I received 58 photos in total, and 49 of them were just spread-eagle beave shots with no faces or distinguishing characteristics included. Since I didn’t wanna take a chance with incorrectly attributed beave, I thought it best to keep those particular shots here in my private stash for the time being. Also, I whacked my pudd all over most of them, and I’m having trouble getting them unstuck. So there’s that, too.

But there ain’t no need for you fuckaz to be sweatin’ it. We’re still left with nine primo shots of the WEST COAST BUCKTON EXPERIENCE, which I’ll try to explain as well as I can.

Here goes:

This one's a no-brainer. Obviously, BUCKTON and Faye Reagan have just finshed their morning meth-pile, and they're doing their gums with the residue. Either that, or BUCKTON's got some new bone-eating fetish he hasn't told me about yet.

Another no-brainer. The new issue of 1985 came out! Mark Millar's really outdoing himself with this one, folks! Also, it looks like Ashlynn Brooke's back there zoobin-down, as well.

Also, she apparently showered with Buckton, as you can see above. It looks like he took the new issue of Captain America in the shower with him, which was, in Meat Ball's opinion, a dumb fuckin' thing to do. Way to go, Einstein!

That's BUCKTON and Mr. Pete. Mr. Pete is currently the only dude on Earth who can still be righteously cool while sporting one of those "line" beards. Also, once he cummed too soon in Jenna Haze. At least that's what BUCKTON told me.

That's Roxy DeVille. If I know Spock, he's spent at least an hour asking her to re-enact her scene from Chemistry 3 with Steven St. Croix, with BUCKTON in the St. Croix role, naturally. Not so much because Roxy's so gorgeous, but more because BUCKTON has a serious case of St. Croix envy, which is certainly understandable.

Fuckin' MICK BLUE, dudes! And it looks like he's working on a Bucktonian 'stache of his own!

Buckton's wearing his Joy Division shirt, which he usually saves for situations where Sasha Grey, a big Joy Division fan can see him in it. Lexi Belle, on the other hand, ain't wearing naught but a bikini bottom, which hopefully she'll kick to the curb by the next photo essay.

There's Spock grooving out with Tom Byron, who you probably remember from his awesome advice column. He's also appeared in adult films from time to time.

There's Faye Reagan again. Only this time, she's accompanied by her two killer juggs! I can only assume she's in the process of declarring her undying love of all things BUCKTON, who most certainly then turned her down because she had too many teeth.

And finally, the letter that accompanied the photos:

At least that's what I make of all this. I sure hope those fuckers are having a good time, because when they come back here, their weed and coke stashes are gonna be cleaned the fuck out.

Plus, I came all over Bangs' desk while I was whackin' it to his copy of Jedi.

For more West-Coast grooves:

CROCODILE DUNDEE IN LOS ANGELES

For some Faye Reagan grooves:

LESBIAN SEDUCTIONS: OLDER/YOUNGER 19