PROLOGUE

Right after I turned 18 I started working at a porno store. The late hours worked with my school schedule and, let's face it, it was a very easy job. I was getting paid to hang out and talk about boobs all day with my friends. While our clientele were mostly drunk college students, bachelorette parties, and tourists with fanny packs, during the year I worked there I met a fair share of peculiar characters. The most common were the demanding strippers who would tear through the lingerie section and then pay for their outfits and rhinestone belly chains with huge stacks of slightly damp dollar bills. The store I worked at wasn't in one of the best neighborhoods so I often had to explain, "No, really.. I can't let you stand in here with no shoes on!" to crack whores and toothless homeless dudes who would wander in. Once, the cops even arrested a bum for beating off to one of the posters that was hung outside the shop. It was more than just a few times that we would have to get security to kick out couples trying to bang in our bathrooms or fitting room. I even had many conversations with European tourists explaining that bestiality was illegal in the US so no matter how many times they asked I would not be able to locate a horse-fucking movie for them in our store.

A friend of mine was in charge of advertisements in the store so I was coerced into modeling in some print ads to be hung around the shop. After that, I was constantly hounded by men in hawaiian shirts who swore they were photographers and who would ask me to pose for them. My favorite was secretly nicknamed "Baby Arm" by one of the other employees because he would wear a shirt over the small camera (or whatever it was...) he always had hanging around his neck. This gave the appearance as though he had some weird parasitic twin growing out of his stomach. While less creepy but equally annoying, I had a few girls who did internet porn who would come in with their boyfriend/managers who would ask me to leave work early to go have a threesome or something with them. Despite the fact that I would explain that I had a boyfriend and was on the clock, they didn't seem to get the point and would ask me every time they came in.

After a year of working at the store, I was unhappy with some changes happening at the store and decided to leave to get a more "normal job". Two years later, and here I am, working at another porno store. My first day was Friday and in the 5 short hours I was there training, I witnessed what I have come to believe is one of the most bizarre phone conversations to ever occur in a porn store....

CHAPTER ONE - BLIND JUSTICE

My manager was training me on the register when the phone rang. He answered and the conversation went something like this:

"Hello, Video.... No, we don't have a new installment of Teen Booty Stalkers... No... No... No.... Can you put someone on the phone who isn't deaf... Is there someone there who isn't deaf.... put someone who isn't deaf on the phone.... Is there someone there is who isn't deaf.... Is there someone there is who isn't deaf.... Is there someone there is who isn't deaf.... Is there someone there is who isn't deaf.... Put someone who isn't deaf on the phone... Ok, Hi. Yeah, we don't have a new installment on Teen Booty Snatchers, can you tell [redacted that]. He's deaf so when he calls he can't hear our answer to his question so obviously it's very frustrating for both parties.... Ok, thanks."

He hung up and let out a sigh. I stared at him in disbelief waiting for him to explain what had just happened. We have, as it turns out, a customer who is very much deaf who enjoys the "Teen Booty Stalkers" series of DVDs (it's faux-voyeur footage of black girls playing with themselves, I think...) and calls every week to find out if a new one has been released. He doesn't use a TTY machine or IP-Relay to make the calls. He just calls and asks his question, but he can't hear anyone's answer. Regardless if an employee says "yes" or "no" to his question he still replies "so, you got it?". This conversation goes on until the man gets too frustrated and hangs up. No matter how many times my manager has talked to his friends or to him in person when he's at the store (he can read lips) about how calling us asking for a movie doesn't seem to be helping him, he still calls.

Five minutes after this was explained to me the phone rang, and on the other line a voice asked, "Do you got the new Teen Booty Stalkers?" I about died laughing.

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