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Bangs is out of the office this week on some kind of bird watch or some shit so I'm gonna take this opportunity to post a bunch of stories about nerd shit. Well... nerd shit and fuckin' that is. I'm sure all you fellas out there want to get down with all kinds of females from the world of sci-fi and fantasy but it's always the same couple of gals and I'm sick as fuck of hearing about Six from Battlestar, 7 of 9, Kate from LOST and fuckin' Buffy. Are they hot as fuck? Sure... except for Buffy... she sucks dick.... and Kate's been really fuckin' annoying me since she stopped believing in the island's magic. But I think y'all are overlooking some truly smokin' tail that's floating all over the several thousand known galaxies.
5. VASQUEZ from Aliens
Scoff all you want, you fucks. You can't tell me that Vasquez doesn't fuck like a champ. Let's look at the obvious... this girl is in fuckin' shape. Have you ever screwed a girl that works out? Their snatches are like two clenched fists giving you the most lube-tastic HJ ever... and I speak from experience. Once in high school I banged this field hockey lesbian. Not much to look at but my ween was blue after that fuck sesh.
Anyway, one of the best things about gettin' down with chicks like Vasquez is that you can high five during making fuck, she's definitely not into getting her beave chomped and afterwards you can drink beer and play first person shooter games all night.
I bet she really likes to listen to Gn'R too... but only "Appetite" and "LIES"... just like BUCKTON.
Vasquez, I want to suck on your lats.
4. PRINCESS LEIA ORGANA IN CEREMONIAL GOWN from A New Hope
Spare me with the Leia "Slave Girl" comments, fellas. I like it when a woman leaves it to your imagination a bit (which is probably why I've been really into fully clothed blow jobs lately). Let's look at the facts...
Leia only wears this outfits to "ceremonies". What happens at a ceremony? LADIES GET WASTED! I'd like to think that I'd be some random dude hanging in the back of the hall on Yavin IV just watching her from afar while she drank her common sense away. I'd wait until she was drunk just enough and then go and tell her a fake story about how I knew a bunch of dudes who lived on Alderaan that are all croaked now because of that Dead Star thing... plus I had a pet Yak Face (real name Saelt Meare... or something like that) there too. She'd be in my arms before you could say "midi-chorian". Then... when she's nice and horned up, I could sideline while she gets fucked by Greedo and Lando at the same time.
Advantage - BUCKTON
3. EOWYN from The Two Towers and NOT Return of the King
I don't know what it is about this girl but I think it's because she reminds me of this girl who gave me the best mask I've ever received in my life. That, and the Witch King of Angmar is always hanging around the alleyway by our offices doing that trick where one Nazgul gets on all fours behind me while he pushes me over backwards... and I hear she knows how to take care of that dick.
2. ELLEN RIPLEY from Alien
I've got a whole fantasy plotted out around this one. I figure I would start by locking Sigourney in my garage and having MEAT BALL hide in there with a couple of fans and a blow horn constantly flipping the lightswitch on and off. We could probably get our mom to be the computer voice warning her of the imminent self-destruction of the spaceship. Suddenly I bust into the garage wrapped in plastic bags and a Predator mask (Alien masks are too expensive and me and MEAT BALL already stoled a Predator mask from Brian Bangs' office today.) Sigourney would be so terrified that she'd hardly notice the dick-hole I cut in the garbage bag... and in her undies.
I would also fuck Sigourney Weaver in the guise of her Gwen DeMarco character in Galaxy Quest.
1. YORI from TRON
Ah, sweet Yori... how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
a. I really want to do sex with you.
b. Your zoobs.
c. You're in TRON.
d. What was TRON (the man) really like?
e. Can I be in TR2N?
f. Please get me one of those little cube-y things that floats around and says "yes" and "no".
g. Is there a way to "de-rez" just your outfit?
h. I shot myself from behind with a laser and was not imported into the world of video games. Please explain. I know you work at that place.
i. END OF LINE
Time to sound off, gents and ladies! What sci-fi ladies or dudes do you wanna fuck?
Comments
my 5
Not a bad list.
5. STARBUCK from Battlestar
4. CHARLOTTE from Lost
3. BELLATRIX LASTRANGE from Harry Potter
2. MAUDE FLANDERS from the Simpsons
1. DANA SCULLY from the X-Files
Maude?
Hey, we'd all do Maude Flanders, but there's nothing Sci-fi about her. If we're just naming chicks from TV that we wanna do, this list would be nothing but Laurie Metcalf and Rhea Perlman references. Come ON.
I see your point
But it'd be pretty sci-fi to fuck a cartoon character who is dead.
one of your shittiest lists yet....
i guess you're trying to be "different" or whatever, but c'mon Spock, First off Slave Leia all the way, there's nothing sexy about new Hope whatsoever.
Sigourney Weaver, whether she's wearing skimpy panties or not is not Hot at all.
And, finally, i know you're one of those elitist nerds who think that Lost is good and Heroes is bad and that people who like Lost are smart and cool and deeper, and that people who like Heroes are these genre-invading savages who scare you right out of your soiled Spiderman underoos with their uncouth ways, but leaving Hayden Panettiere and Ali Larter off this list is way way beyond disabled.
-stank
HEROES SUCKS
Fuck it. The creator of Heroes even apologized last year for how much their second season sucked.
LOST all the way!
well
that's what happens when you try to cram a whole season's worth of storyline into half a season, as opposed to trying to kill time for like forever for a show that was supposed to run for three years. it's not like i'm going to defend Heroes as some edifying work of genius, it's escapist porn, and BTW nerdonymous you're never going to feel satisfied whether it turns out they're all living in the Party of Five dude's dreamworld nutsack or whether they've been brainwashed and are actually inside a Disneyworld float tripping balls, it won't make sense it won't be satisfying. Lost is shit TV just like Heroes. And
Have you even seen LOST?
It's not a question of where they are, it's a question of when they are. But I'll tell you when the fuck you are, Stanko - suck my fuckin' dick!!
Whatever, dude.
You probably think Family Guy is better than the Simpsons.
You talking to me, Nerdonymous?
'Cause if you are then we've got PROBLEMS!!
I wasn't.
But now I am!
What happened to the picture of Vasquez? It was there yesterday.
What the F???
I dunno, maybe Cameron took that shit down. Lemme research that shit!!
VASQUEZ
I have no fuckin' clue why this dissapeared from the body... but here she is again!!
depends
the family guy had its moment... before it was cancelled, but i haven't laughed once since the South Park boys tore it apaprt, but you NERDONYMOUS are probably one of those people who thinks the Simpsons is still funny! You probably didn't even realize just how much of a shitty letdown the Simpsons movie was, South Park all the way...
-stank
I concede
I like South Park the best now too.
What a bunch of nerds we are. Let's get back to pictures of naked girls that are out of our league.
Sure, the Simpsons have wavered
a bit in the past 8 years or so. But they did have a very amazing moment in the Halloween episode (maybe last year or two years ago) where Homer realized he could clone himself by spinning around in his hammock. So, he starts with 2 or 3 clones to get out of work and shit but things soon get out of control and the next thing you know he's got thousands of clones. There's this brilliant panning shot of thousands and thousands of Homer Clones representing how the character has changed over the years and right in the middle is the dad from Family Guy... get it (nudge - nudge) ?
FUCK HEROES.
That cheerleader is uglier than my scrotum, and my scrotum is UGLY.
Also, that show sucks.
Also, Evangeline Lilly's a hog, too, even though Lost is tops.
Also, I'm not into dudes, but I bet getting nailed by a drac from Enemy Mine is tops.
(Weeds sucks too. Not that it's sci-fi or anything.)
Gossett
dracs are neither male nor female, that's why Lou Gossett is able to have a kid.
-stank
What about...
1) Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas
2) Brigitte Helm in Metropolis
3) Kate Winslet after she loses her memory in Eternal Sunshine
4) Kim Greist in Brazil
5) Three-way with Jessica Rabbit and Holli Would (Cool World)
As for MILFs, how about Emmet Otter's mom, or the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock?
Your Film nerdiness is chafing my taint
Kim Greist in Brazil is quite possibly the ugliest object of obsession in the history of time. It's a cool movie and all, but I'd rather chew on an Others' (that's what they're called, right fuckos?) then beat my meat to her. although Mona from Who's the Boss is pretty hot in that movie.
-stank
Yer just digging yourself
a deeper hole, Stanko. There are some pretty fuckin' HOT Others. Just off the top of my head I'd rather take Juliette, Cindy the Stewardess, that chick that Sun killed or that hot redhead psychiatrist that was Goodwin's wife any day of the week over that 11 year old you like from Heroes. Those women got EXPERIENCE, son! Deuce Cuz, too!
Yeah!
I totally second that "deuce cuz" that you just threw down, Buckton.
Welcome to the 23rd century
Why has noone mentioned Jessica (Jenny Agutter) from Logan's Run?
I'd do sex with her in over 17 different ways.
I wonder if Yori's pubic
I wonder if Yori's pubic area has an indigo colored circuit board pattern. That would be kinda cool.
Well played, Club 1985!
Jenny Agutter was pretty fuckin' zbanging... that's right, ZBANGING!
Not Enough Amputees
So I'm gonna throw Cherry from Planet Terror/Grindhouse into the mix.
That one..
i'll have to agree with, but I'm still so fucking pissed at Rodriguez for having the missing reel come when we woulda seen her tits... real fucking clever asshole!
-stank
So this nerdy fucking post
So this nerdy fucking post is the most commented entry on the entire site?
Fucking pathetic. I'm embarassed to have even contributed. Though that trash heap is still hot.
Go for a new most-commented record, Buckton, by posting about LARPing and Yiffing.
I was too busy
coming all over myself at the mere thought of Buffy sucking dick to really care a tit about your twisted little list...
Fuck all that
I didn't mean that she literally sucks dick! I meant that she's ugly, stupid and very, very NOT hot. Go back to the lame Whedon-verse with that shit
your list sucks.
you forgot Barbarella!
<3 Josie Jacobs
Damn you, Jacobs!
I was just about to remind everyone about the hotness of Barbarella, but you beat me to it.
Anyway, here's my list:
5. Leeloo from The Fifth Element
4. River from Firefly
3. Kaylee from Firefly
2. Saffron from Firefly
1. Barbarella.
As you can probably tell, I REALLY like Firely.
Well Yaffle...
I was really starting to warm up to you... then you had to go and be another one of those god awful Whedon dicksuckers. I'll admit, his run on XMen was alright but his movies and TV shows and songy blogs suck the shit out of my croaked colon. MEAT BALL, you with me?
NO
His run on X-Men was NOT alright, and I'll tell you why:
Also, that Doogie Howser musical is for assholes. YOU are the asshole, Yammo (or whatever your name is)!
What he said!
... and for the record. When I said his run was alright I just meant Cassaday's art... duh!
Standing up...
...and applauding.
In my defence
I've never liked Buffy. Or Angel. But I fucking LOVE Firefly.
Hating Buffy and Angel
are very commendable traits, Yaffle. You are now back in my good graces... as soon as you burn a Whedon effigy.
Vasquez was a MAN, BABY!
& not even in drag no less... & Buffy is still the sexiest chickadee in sci-fi, even in the post-season comic book. God, sometimes I just wanna wrap those pages around my cock... & Leia's better? They coulda put Sigourney F-ing Weaver (SHE'S A MAN, BABY!) in that role & fanboys'd still be humping their screens for decades... Face it, BuckMeat, it's not the Princess you love at all. It's F-ing Lucas! & if you're gonna stick to that, where's Amidalla? F-ing Portman! Put it on mute, throw on some Britney Spears & kick your lady friends to the curb, cuz Natalie Portman in Kiss makeup is heaven... I don't care much about Whedon. He's good, but he's no Gellar. Neither is Lucas. But y'know, if it helps you get in the mood, strap-ons are all the rage these days...
I was "this close"
to not even publishing the above comment because it is SOOOOO retarded (no offense, retards).
Let it just be said that I would rather blow MEAT BALL while watching Buffy than even entertain the thought of nailing Sarah Gellar. She is fuglier than Madelaine Albright.
And if you think we're the kind of dudes that would get down with Portman rather than an "in her prime" Carrie Fisher... you're dead wrong, fucker.
We like our women boobed up, with famous parents, serious psychological issues and hair on their beaves.
Now go back to 11th grade.
You with me, MEAT BALL?
Madleleine Albright...
is kind of hot. I always wanted to face fuck her. I guess i kind of have a thing for lady secs of state, i would ass fuck Condi Rice in a heartbeat. Warren Christopher too.
-stank
I think everyone Stanko just
I think everyone Stanko just described is a Cylon
Yep...
or a Skrull.
Condi Rice is a Klingon!
OMG I'm not even joking! That's one of the scariest things I've ever read! Stanko! Props!
Xena
The whole debate begins and ends with Lucy Lawless.
She's Xena AND Cylon #3. Double points for 2 sci-fi series.
Tricia Helfer (Cylon #6) shouldn't be forgotten about either.
Duly noted...
I already said NO Cylon #6... too fuckin' easy!! I'll give you Lucy Lawless, tho... I'd like to take her to a buffet...a POISON buffet.
I take that back if you're a lesbian.
No fucking way, Buckton...
You can't have Vasquez AND Ripley. Vasquez is also clearly MINE. You really think she'd roll around with a MAN?
Domming with Snark!
Ms. Astrid
Dude...
If you paid attention to the movie at all (which you probaby didn't) ... Vasquez and Drake were clearly more than just work-out partners.
No love for Faith from
No love for Faith from Buffy/Angel? Come on...I mean come on.
I'm gonna SCREAM
and then pretend I didn't just read that. All you Buffy lovers really have to eat a bag of dick.
After the nerd rage, a peace?
Mr. Buckton, I'm sure we can find some common ground so I can avoid eating a bag dick. I can for example whole-heartedly agree on Leia completely outclassing Padme, Fisher in her prime outdoing Portman I don't think is a question. I mean, Fisher filled out all those outfits very nicely...and her performance as Leia wasn't completely devoid of passion and life.
As far as the X-Men thing, I can kind of agree, the art is beautifu by Cassaday... but I'm neutral towars it less because of the story and more because outside of a handful of characters, I could really not give a shit about the X-Men. So whether or not Whedon did good or bad on that is less of an issue than the fact it's X-Men, and most of the time I can't be bothered to care about them(Wolverine, Cyclops, Beast, Nightcrawler, Phoenix, Iceman, Gambit and Cable excepted).
But maybe let me throw out a new suggestion: Famke Janssen as Jean Grey? Huh?