I just read that Amsterdam is planning to shut down half of the brothels in its world famous red-light district. This is particularly awful news for MEAT BALL (who loves talkin' in the third person), because I've already made plans for a mid-March Dutch vacation, in which I planned to sample at least 12 prostitutes a day.

How would I afford it? Easy - I blackmailed a dude!

In an effort to rid the Netherlands' greatest city of organized crime, city rulers are planning to reduce the number of "sex windows" from 482 to 243, as well as closing half of the 76 marijuana shops in the city. Not to mention the recent ban on hallucinogenic mushrooms. God damn it. It just gets worse and worse, you know? This means that if a dude like me wants to get his balls emptied by a sexy dutch lady of the evening, I've only got, like, 243 choices at any given time of who I want to have sex with. Not only that, but there are now only gonna be, like 35 places to legally buy weed.

I dunno about you, but I'm not walking no block and a half to smoke a bone!

The city claims that organized crime uses the red light businesses as a front for more sinister operations. "Money laundering, extortion and human trafficking are things you do not see on the surface but they are hurting people and the city. We want to fight this," said Deputy Mayor Lodewijk Asscher. "We can still have sex and drugs but in a way that shows the city is in control."

Well...as long as we can still have sex and drugs.

SPOT BUCKTON AEE SWEEPSTAKES QUESTION: What was the very first venue for the live AVN Adult Movie Awards? Not sure what this is? Maybe you should find out!

I was hoping that they'd make some sort of trade off and make cocaine legal while they're at it. Kind of a tit-for-no-tit sort of deal, but no dice. So now, I'm gonna have to walk twice as far to buy my ultra-righteous, purple-colored weed; then I'm gonna have to be twice as selective about choosing a fuckmaking companion (or is it half as selective?); then I'm gonna half to prowl the streets to find a dude to sell me some blow and mushrooms on the down-low thanks to the illegality of that shit...fuck...I don't know if I have the energy for this vacation anymore.

Come to think of it, with the money I made from blackmailing that dude, I could probably score a ton of local prosties to give me a ton and a half of suckjobs, buy some righteous weed, bribe a cop to look the other way while I raid the storage room for some evidence blow and then just steal some college kid's 'shrooms (possibly after paying a bigger college kid to hold him while I go through his pockets). I'll have a hell of a fuckin' good time, and probably still end up with enough money to pay a few octogenarians to strip for me.

Man, blackmailing that Senator was the best thing I ever did.

BLAZED AND CONFUSED 3: AMSTERDAM