Look, don't let anyone tell you that POPPORN.com isn't concerned about the general health and well-being of the internet. While yes, it's a relatively new medium, no one can say that it hasn't been a little successful over the last few years. We've read at least ten articles about it over the last three years in various print publications and it seems that it might have the legs to stay and become part of the cultural lexicon. Perhaps the internet has even touched your personal life in some way. Don't worry, you don't seem to be the only one. There are hundreds of folks out there just like you.

While the internet is definitely, "cool", if one spends any significant amount of time on it one begins to feel that, at times, it seems a little bit like the wild west...anything goes. So, in our infinite wisdom and with an honest desire to help the introweb be all that it can be and grow into something more than just a fad, we're here to help.

The other day, someone sent us a hyperlink to a website called, Adult Blu Review. Before we even clicked the link we were instantly intrigued by such a mysterious and obtuse name. What could be awaiting us on the other end of that uncertain and teasing URL? As anyone who has used the world wide web before understands, the maze of the internet is a wonderful and mysterious place filled with wonder and a little danger. It's a playground of discovery.

It turns out that AdultBluReview.com is dedicated to reviewing Adult Blu-ray DVDs! Adult super-star Teagan is the host of the site and reviews these releases in what appears to be my cousin Brendan's basement. I had no idea he knew her, but I've watched Saving Private Ryan more than a couple of times in those Best Buy theater seats.

As we gathered around the, "wide-web box" we realized that the site's angle wasn't reviewing these DVDs at all but rather, having Teagan masturbate while she talked about these DVDs. Brilliant! Teagan is pretty darn hot and we've never seen a Blu-ray release before so we were happy to be getting a little sexualizing with our edumacation. When the review started, Teagan's laying down spread-eagle, all ready to groove out with a cute little purple vibe. She gets the thing going, works it in and out a bit, and...um...nothing much happens. Her tone of voice doesn't even change. She kinda sounds like a stormtrooper. In fact, it seems like she's even more subdued than she was at the beginning of the clip. It's almost as if she didn't realize that she was masturbating and put herself accidentally into a coma. Which is fine, if that's what you're into, but to us, it just came off as a little bit more surreal than Un Chien Andalou, but not in a good way.

Our advice? Have some fun, Teagan. You're a star because we all love seeing you enjoy the shit out yourself. Frankly, if you can still deliver a halfway coherent analysis while you're getting fucked, you're not getting fucked good enough. Just saying.

We say, leave out some of the less-important details of your reviews. We don't need to know too much about script rewrites, long days on the set, who brought a sleeping bag along...you get the idea. Trust us, we fast forward through that part anyway, because we're really just into watching folks make fuck. Instead, wouldn't it be better off to talk about...I dunno...the sex? Most folks that watch porno are really into sex and would rather hear about what a great fuck Evan Stone is, what do James Deen's nuts taste like, is Aurora Snow awesome at eating pussy...again, you get the idea. You've got a real good track record when it comes to the fuckmaking, and damn it...we just really love it when someone plays to their strengths. Honestly, maybe even drop the reviewing altogether and just offer free clips of you testing sex toys, it might be a better model!

Now, as far as design is concerned, we think we might be able to help you locate and secure a a graphic artist that might be able to work on your logo. Sure, the name is cute as can be and fits your site perfectly, but we thought that when Geocities went under so did the sea of, "at-home" graphic designers. We assume the big circular object in the logo is a Blu-ray disc and not Tron's but a new visitor to your site might not know that and what with the Tron remake coming soon we doubt you want any brand confusion. And why the lava lettering? Honestly, it's as confusing as the beach scene that you seem to have in the background there. Are you watching these DVDs near a beach? In Hawaii? That actually might make the lava lettering make more sense now that we think about it...

There are a few other helpful hints we could provide to you as well if you like. For example, that blue border around your box covers? Silly, you need to add, border="0" after your html, it will make it way cleaner.

Anywhoo, that's all for free! We'd like to advertise immediately!

JACK'S POV 12

COMA