Pretty Dangerous

By: Tod Hunter - AVN
In-House Review - Apr 22 2015

Pretty Dangerous starts like an action-adventure thriller, with two black-clad Uzi-wielding mercenaries shooting their way into a fortified enclave in Chernobyl, but when the title card identifies the female mercenary as "IVY BLACK: FORMER FOREIGN SERVICE OFFICER TURNED CONTRACT KILLER/JEWEL THIEF, DOCTOR OF ARCHEOLOGY, LISTED AS THE MOST WANTED WOMAN IN THE WORLD FOR CRIMES INCLUDING: MURDER, TREASON, , ARSON AND DATE " you realize it's an action-adventure thriller comedy, an observation confirmed when one mercenary drops a bad guy with a no-look, over-the-shoulder burst of bullets. The mercenaries' goal is jewels, starting with a diamond a little bigger than a hockey puck, one of five gems that-when collected together-can give the holder world domination.

Meanwhile, in Miami, goofy smartass cop Steven St. Croix is back on the job ("Here's your -try not shooting yourself ... again,") with dubious new partner Jack Vegas ("You're not gay? A woman married you?") who needs a big drink and a busty blonde (Britney Amber) after a long day sharing a squad car with St. Croix. Turns out Amber is a hooker and Vegas gets caught in a john sting-getting Vegas and St. Croix demoted to bicycle duty.

Stormy's operatives Anikka Albrite and Asa Akira safecrack their way to another giant gem in Austria, with Albrite distracting guard Mick Blue with inside information ("I hear you got a divorce last week. Your brother sent me. If you're not interested, that's okay, but my fee is non-refundable.") The ensuing anal-inclusive scene is a showcase for the AVN and XRCO Male and Female Performers of the Year. Albrite and Akira team up with Allie Haze to take the next two gems: One from "ditzy hotel heiress" London Radisson (!) on her private island and the other from the wreck of the pirate ship Wicked Storm (!!}.

The thieves and the cops cross paths at the coffee house, where Albrite's comment "let's go steal a diamond" gets Vegas' attention. But St. Croix responds to Vegas' "they're up to something big" with a cynical, "Hasn't your 'big thing' gotten us in enough trouble?" The thieves send Akira into Radisson's island hideaway as a massage therapist ("It's because I'm Asian, isn't it?") to distract Radisson and her new fiancé, rapper Puff Dicky (Seth Gamble) while Allbrite and Haze steal the gem. A quick stop at the shipwreck brings the team to four out of five, and Stormy heads off to Egypt for the last gem.

Hot on the trail, Vegas and St. Croix consult the latter's clairvoyant wife Romi Rain ("Is this an arranged marriage? Did you lose a bet or something?") who looks in her crystal ball and gives them GPS coordinates that send them to-Egypt. The final confrontation between the thieves and the cops plays out like a James Bond movie, with fists flying and guns drawn but no real feeling of danger, as the cops and the crooks tussle over possession of the last gem.

Six sex scenes, well integrated into the action, and comedic grace notes like Stormy ending a sex scene by taking a phone call right after the pop, St. Croix loading up with donuts after he learns that the coffee house comps police officers, and a hilarious throwaway bit with Allie Haze and a sniper rifle will keep viewers engaged.