I wasn’t sure how I’d begin this article. Admittedly at first I intended for it to be a scathing condemnation of what most would assume to be the greatest celebration imaginable. I was going to say how when it was held in Miami it was made to sound like a showcase of debauchery, the very likes of which few of us have ever truly witnessed.

It was a tight race with each candidate making lofty promises the other would cast serious doubt upon and speak eloquently, or not so much so, against. Whose constituency was larger, who could snare enough votes from the other to come out ahead. They each made their arguments, they each plead their cases. But in the end there could be just one, one victor, one representative, one glorious champion of the people.

Wait, you don’t think I mean the presidential race do you?

With such a wide array of fucked-up shit going on in the world of porn it’s becoming easier to sit back and wait for it to accumulate, because to tackle each issue would be as overwhelming as trying to satisfy Lindsay Lohan. Evidently she’s a nymphomaniac. At least according to some guy she met in rehab. I’m not even sure how the fuck I know that.

So did you hear the one about the Republicans who found themselves on the same side as porn lovers everywhere when they tried to shoot down an evil FCC plan to auction off a piece of the Internet spectrum to a provider that would offer free access so long as it’s sans porn? I know what you’re thinking, I’m still waiting for the punch line too. Never fear though this does not mean that everything you thought you knew about politics in the United States is wrong. Nor have you drifted into an alternate reality where Republicans are advocates of the adult industry and all that other shit that most normal people would equate with being enjoyable.

As of late I can’t write fast enough to keep up with the endless stream of bullshit that flows from the fine folks on Capitol Hill and in the nation’s expansive, almost unbelievably ridiculous court system. I do however think that I owe POPPORN loyalists more than just a series of bullets informing you of the lunacy we are witnessing. So I’ll try and pick one issue and speak on it in depth but seriously, people need to research this shit.