Dig this shit, fuckaz! It's none other than the biggest all-lowercase name in the business, jessica drake!

It turns out that jessica didn't read the fine print on the model release she signed for us a little while back, and as such, she's stuck shooting the shit in a room without air conditioning with none other than the two scummiest dudes in Philly (next to Bangs, of course).

Amazing, isn't it? In between our boozed-filled dance parties and drug-riddled sex parties, we scumbangers here at POPPORN still find the time to review a new porno movie. This week, we'll be putting the proverbial screws to Naughty America's My Sister's Hot Friend 12.

Okay, we've spent about a week sifting through all the killer footage from last week's once-in-a-lifetime (for now) party weekend, and we're finally ready to start visually assaulting you with our bombastic flurries of cinematic gold.

We're kicking things off with one of those reliable BUCKTON video reviews that you've come to know and love (or hate and mock). Joining Spock to talk about her latest directorial dicksuckin' effort, Face Invaders 3, is none other than Courtney Cummz, one of the most beautiful yet filthiest ladies in the business.

First of all, this one is NOT related to our all-star weekend. But it is the POPPORN debut of Aaralyn Barra, a pretty well-known pornographer in her own right, so who better to guide you through what may be the most vile film we've ever seen than her awesome smutmakin' ass? While we've seen some shit done to shitters in our lives, we ain't never seen shit like this shit done to any shitty shitters like the shit they do in this movie. If your ass ain't guessed yet, we're talking about buttfuckin'. Serious buttfuckin.

Honestly, if you're got a weak stomach...or even if you don't...brace yourself before watching this thing. Get a puke bag handy. Or a lube tube or something.

We fucked up. Yesterday, June 18th was Randy Spears' birthday, and we fucking missed it. We thought we'd try to make it up to porno's awesomest dude by posting a stellar review of his latest directorial effort on our avant-garde blog. But that all went to shit when, frankly, the movie was a little sub-par.

What comes to mind when you think of the bathroom? If you're MEAT BALL, you think of righteous bowel movements. If you're BUCKTON, you think of doing meth. However, if you're Joanna Angel (or Lexi LaVey, for that matter), you think of fuckin'!

Okay, the bad news? We don't have any zoobs to show you in today's video. The other bad news? In lieu of zoobatronic ladies, MEAT BALL is sitting in with BUCKTON for today's video. The even worse than that news? This week's pick, Big Sausage Pizza 17 was what may be the worst piece of non-boner-inducing bullcrap we've seen in quite some time.

We thought that maybe you folks were getting a little bit sick of that red background we shoot our reviews against. With that in mind, we gotta say: fuck you. We'll choose whatever the fuck background we wanna use and that red background is as fucking fine as they come. Also, we were fucking sick of that red background, and we thought maybe we'd do a review outside this week (as long as we're in the middle of this bullshit heatwave).

This week, the BUCKTON/HATE team are walking you through this all-girl-except-for-one-dude's-finger flick called Bitchcraft 3. It's a pretty fucking disgusting film (no offense to any of you folks out there who are into disgusting shit), packed full of bondage, milk shitting, clothespins and lots of other shit that was enough to make Buckton want to puke. But then again, isn't Buckton sort of a lightweight when it comes to porno? No he's not, and fuck you saying he was!

Do dogs have green cum? Spock thinks so, but Yenna knows the fuggin' truth. What's that have to do with our review of Bullets and Burlesque? Fucked if we know, but it sure makes a good opening line, huh?