Hey! It's time for the latest installment of "Scandals-a-Poppin'", the hit show where people screw each other and cause media frenzies and shit!

Actually, there's no such program. I just made it up. But if there was a television show based on big real-life sex scandals and stuff like that, "Scandals-a-Poppin" would be a pretty good name, wouldn't it? I mean, I guess they already have that show, and it's called TMZ. Of course, TMZ's a pretty stupid name. The name I came up with is much better. They should really think about changing it.

I know everybody got sick of us when we complained about not winning any AVN awards or XBIZ awards or Tranny Awards or TLA RAW Awards (and we still haven't even mentioned the Feminist Porn Awards), but it's looking like our constant pissing and moaning about lack of accolades is starting to pay off, because hey, POPPORN WON SOMETHING!

Nobody can deny that New Orleans has had a tough couple years. Clearly, we don't need to go into the hows and whys of it all, but some bad shit happened to that town, and I gotta say, it's nice to see things looking up a bit. Not only did the Saints score a major footballic win just a little while ago, but now some new statistical data's been released with even better news for New Orleans. Get this - the Big Easy is the largest dicked town in the whole US of A! Who knew?

Disclaimer: this article is in no way related to the pornographic industry, or, in fact, to human sexuality in any way. While POPPORN is, was, and always will hope to remain the haven of the pornographic humorist, occasionally, we are faced with a piece of news that frankly, we feel a responsibility to report on. When important news comes your way, it is the pseudo-journalist's duty to translate that news into a form of prose suitable for their readership. For me, that often means distorting facts, adding my own fabricated details and occasionally simply fictionalizing entire scenarios. But this is not the point. The point is that I came across the small tidbit of news you're about to read, and I couldn't pass it up.

Awards, awards, awards! We here at POPPORN are still reeling from our AVN nominations, and we're doing our best to covertly eliminate the competition before the awards go down in early January. It's going to take a lot of murder, but if we can walk away with a few of those little statues, it'll be well worth it. But shit, as it turns out, we're gonna have even more covert wet work to accomplish in the month following those awards, because the XBIZ awards are happening in early February, and we managed to score a nomination for those, too! Hot creamy business!

Sasha's at it again!

So...listen. It's obvious that we're somewhat used to being offensive around here. Some would even say that we pride ourselves on it. I wouldn't say that, but some other bitch-ass shitface out there might suggest such a thing. It's to be expected when you present someone like BUCKTON as the public face of your organization. And yes, we've been known to publish tasteless photos of controversial medical procedures (which we've since replaced with an adorable little tyke not unlike that cigar-chompin' little shit from Roger Rabbit), or sometimes fabricate elaborate eulogies for well-respected (and very much alive) pornographers. That's just what we do. It's our corner of the world. We're try to piss at least somebody off with just about everything we publish.

But shit, through it all, we've still never enlisted the aid of a human amputee as a prop in our Halloween costume. This isn't to say that no one at POPPORN would try such a thing. I'm sure Bangs is kicking himself for not thinking of the idea first. But be that as it may, this guy beat him to the punch.

How many of you are still in high school? Anybody who's raising their hand better navigate their ass on out of here quick, because this shit's for grown-ups! Anybody who's left, check out this sick-ass pervert of a principal. I wonder if any of those shitheads that just navigated their asses on out of here go to this guy's school.

Goddamn it, is this how we treat our heroes?

News broke recently that legendary sexual-performer, director, legitimate actor, ass-destroyer and gaper-inducer, Rocco Siffredi has been accused of the heinous act of tax evasion by the Italian government. The Guardia di Finanza, also known as the Italian financial police, are accusing the veteran fuck maker of owing nearly half a million dollars in back taxes. The fuckers are saying he concealed $442,500. Shit, that's a lotta bread, all right. But you know what? This is fucking Rocco! He doesn't have to pay taxes! He's fucking Rocco, god dammit!

Okay, everybody knows that Mike Quasar is king boss when it comes to making high-class porno, but did you know that he's also king boss when it comes to making high octane rock and roll music? It's true! or at least, he says it's true. You can find out for yourself when Quasar's rock band Say Uncle reforms for some hot shit reunion grooves at Paladino's tomorrow night!

For those of you bitch-ass suckas who don't know about Say Uncle, they're a high-octane metal band from Canada. Fed up with Canada's stringent poutine regulations and constant moose attacks, Quasar and the rest of the band (including porno industry vet Matt Holder) relocated to L.A. with hopes of being the next big king-bosses of the music scene, but instead ended up being king-bosses of the high-octane filmfucking scene instead. Who knew?

Hey, you know what? Fuck the haters, because Eyes Wide Shut was fucking great. Even considering the digital wang-and-beave-hiding silhouettes that were jammed in the orgy scenes to keep the public safe from the perversions of Stanley Kubrick's intellect. Even for those of us who spend their days knee-deep in visual representations of ween-on-puss penetration (you mean...coitus?), it was a shame to have missed that footage. But shit, there's always hope. We might not be privy to Stanley's no-doubt awesome footage of socially-elite fuck parties, but apparently, there's always the chance of ending up at one of those parties yourself.