A 37 year-old German man has been arrested for breaking into a department store and indulging in an orgy with the mannequins inside. He was discovered the next morning while cuddling with his inanimate conquests.

The gentleman's being charged with burglary and criminal damage after he admitted to screwing the plastic ladies, which is understandable from a legal standpoint because he did break into the place and those mannequins weren't his to fuck. This is, aside from the legal ramifications, is there really anything that wrong with fucking a mannequin?

Straddling the gay side of the porn fence like I do, I see a bunch of shit I reckon the straight POPPORN-ers don’t. Decent blowjobs, for one. I kid.

Anyway, for every G-MILF and Squirting Midget of hetero fap-land, we gays have Spiderman-on-Venom Cosplay and, of course, the sensuously intimate practice of fisting. But what brings our two perv communities together, sometimes, or for the purposes of this post? CBT: Cock & Ball Torture.

So...a few days ago, Bangs sent me a link to a video, and asked me to write something about it. The video, by the way, can be found here. Go ahead and click it. I'll wait.

Alright so I want to preface this piece by saying that a couple days ago I was fired from the newspaper I write at for being too “subjective” (my word). Evidently, if you’re a writer, criticizing anyone, even the most corrupt cock-suckers alive, is grounds for dismissal for having the gall (I may have spelled that wrong but who cares I’m on a roll) to form a fucking opinion. I guess I just always had this ridiculous notion that it’s a journalist’s job to hold elected bodies to task.

Working for an online retailer has been educational. I’m learning a lot about marketing on the internet, branding, and analyzing web statistics. It sounds kind of boring, sure, but what about the practical applications?

That's right, a new month a new contributor. Alistair Thrustwell III has joined our ranks. You can check out his beautiful mug over in our contributors section and for your enjoyment, his first addition to POPPORN.com...

What’s that called? You know, when the fabric is just stretched too tight across a set of zoobs…

It is now 15 minutes before the debate. I'm getting fucked up, waiting, convinced that no matter what the outcome is, we're all fucked. There's no stopping this shit.

I wasn’t sure how I’d begin this article. Admittedly at first I intended for it to be a scathing condemnation of what most would assume to be the greatest celebration imaginable. I was going to say how when it was held in Miami it was made to sound like a showcase of debauchery, the very likes of which few of us have ever truly witnessed.

It was a tight race with each candidate making lofty promises the other would cast serious doubt upon and speak eloquently, or not so much so, against. Whose constituency was larger, who could snare enough votes from the other to come out ahead. They each made their arguments, they each plead their cases. But in the end there could be just one, one victor, one representative, one glorious champion of the people.

Wait, you don’t think I mean the presidential race do you?

With such a wide array of fucked-up shit going on in the world of porn it’s becoming easier to sit back and wait for it to accumulate, because to tackle each issue would be as overwhelming as trying to satisfy Lindsay Lohan. Evidently she’s a nymphomaniac. At least according to some guy she met in rehab. I’m not even sure how the fuck I know that.

Yesterday marked the end of my second week hawking dildos and DVDs. I'm still not used to the hours and I feel wiped out (6pm-2am plus a day job) so my mind isn't as sharp as it normally is...

PROLOGUE

Right after I turned 18 I started working at a porno store. The late hours worked with my school schedule and, let's face it, it was a very easy job. I was getting paid to hang out and talk about boobs all day with my friends. While our clientele were mostly drunk college students, bachelorette parties, and tourists with fanny packs, during the year I worked there I met a fair share of peculiar characters. The most common were the demanding strippers who would tear through the lingerie section and then pay for their outfits and rhinestone belly chains with huge stacks of slightly damp dollar bills.

So did you hear the one about the Republicans who found themselves on the same side as porn lovers everywhere when they tried to shoot down an evil FCC plan to auction off a piece of the Internet spectrum to a provider that would offer free access so long as it’s sans porn? I know what you’re thinking, I’m still waiting for the punch line too. Never fear though this does not mean that everything you thought you knew about politics in the United States is wrong. Nor have you drifted into an alternate reality where Republicans are advocates of the adult industry and all that other shit that most normal people would equate with being enjoyable.

As of late I can’t write fast enough to keep up with the endless stream of bullshit that flows from the fine folks on Capitol Hill and in the nation’s expansive, almost unbelievably ridiculous court system. I do however think that I owe POPPORN loyalists more than just a series of bullets informing you of the lunacy we are witnessing. So I’ll try and pick one issue and speak on it in depth but seriously, people need to research this shit.

Alright fuck-heads to be clear not everything I rant endlessly about is a bad thing necessarily. Most things are, but some things could potentially turn out to be the greatest shit on earth, I’m just issuing a disclaimer that while some things looks good on paper they have the potential to turn out pretty lousy in the end.