It's been a long day at work. You're belly is starting to grumble, and you don't have nearly enough energy to cook dinner. As you drive past a McDonald's, you think, "Damn, I could really go for a Big Mac right about now." (This wouldn't be my personal preference, but with billions and billions served, I suspect this craving is experienced by many.) The building looks suspiciously deserted, and as you pull up to the drive through window, you find it closed and obscured by a notice stating, "Closed by the US Supreme Court for distributing unhealthy products within the community."

Hey, we love big tits as much as the next person around her at POPPORN, but we really don't...actually...you know what? I'm, personally, not really all that into big tits. I can't speak for Bangs or BUCKTON, but they're just not my cup of tea. Physically speaking, I'd take a Lexi Belle or a Stoya to a Gianna or Carmella Bing any day of the week. But I realize that I'm in the minority here, so let's just move on to the real impetus of this rant.

You may recall (although you may not because you fuckos aren’t much for reading) our previous article concerning the future of Prop 8 and the rights of the homosexual community within our society at large. Included amongst the normal drivel was a passionate appeal for the amendment of hate crime legislation to include homosexuals, targeted for their sexual preference, under the “umbrella” of protected status as per federal law. Ring any bells? Matthew Shepard, who was brutally murdered, was mentioned? Well the idea of protecting members of the LGBT from persecution based solely on their sexual preference (not that persecution for any reason is ok, you know, unless you’re a conservative wind-bag, but you know what I mean) has been contentious since gay-rights activists began fighting for inclusion since this conversation began waaaaaay back in the early 90’s. In fact, when a similar bill was being pushed through Congress, Bush II threatened to veto it if it ever reached his desk (it didn’t).

So apparently the supreme court of the great state of Kentucky has just struck down a law that requires sex offenders, convicted prior to the enactment of the 2006 law prohibiting them from living and working in certain areas (near schools, daycares and the like), to abide by the same set of laws restricting those convicted after the law was passed.

Before we start, I should mention that I haven't watched Letterman since I was in high school. For me, that means the mid-90s. So it's probably been a good ten years since I grooved out on that gap-toothed motherfuckers cavalcade of mirth and whimsy. So it might be totally old as fuck news that he likes fucking people who work on his show, but I didn't know it.

A little while back, it seemed like we were posting four or five bestiality stories a week and then the trend seemed to die down for a while. It was a real shame because, you know, that shit's unnatural and all, but damn it if the act of sexual congress between man and beast ain't just a little bit funny, right?

So, just to make sure we start off in the right frame of mind, here' s a quote from Kevin Morgan, assistant county prosecutor of Burlington County NJ: "I think any reasonable juror could infer that a man's penis in the mouth of a calf is torment".

It would be downright ridiculous to expect a group of bad-ass motherfuckers like the 501st to spend their day helping out sick children, right? I mean, that would be like watching Baron Zemo's Masters of Evil setting up a soup kitchen for the underprivileged brothers of the street. It just doesn't make any fucking sense. Which is probably why the Dutch police realized something stunk to high heaven here and locked the fuckers up.

Goddamn it, is this how we treat our heroes?

News broke recently that legendary sexual-performer, director, legitimate actor, ass-destroyer and gaper-inducer, Rocco Siffredi has been accused of the heinous act of tax evasion by the Italian government. The Guardia di Finanza, also known as the Italian financial police, are accusing the veteran fuck maker of owing nearly half a million dollars in back taxes. The fuckers are saying he concealed $442,500. Shit, that's a lotta bread, all right. But you know what? This is fucking Rocco! He doesn't have to pay taxes! He's fucking Rocco, god dammit!

Boy oh fuckin' boy, I sure love a good blackmail story! Seriously, if there's anything on this Earth that's better than blackmail, I ain't fuckin' heard about it. Blackmail is just such a wonderful concept. You get somebody to do something they like doing, then you find a way to prove that they liked doing whatever it was, then you shame them for liking whatever it was that they liked doing! It's genius, and, in an icing-on-the-cake sort of deal, it usually involves somebody fucking somebody else! Blackmail! What's not to love?

Hello. Do you sell porno to children? If so, it may interest you to know that if your underage-targeted pornography bazaar operates within Great Britain, you're immune to prosecution for the next three months. I realize that it doesn't do you a whole hell of a lot of good if you're already sitting in a jail cell for selling some cockney bootblack's son a copy of Ben Dover's British Adventures (or whatever the fuck else they make in Britain), but shit, you can pass the word on to your esteemed colleagues.

I saw a story about how 61-year-old strippers are legal in the great state of Rhode Island, and my first instinct was what's the big fucking deal? I mean, sure, some folks might not be into the idea of watching a woman who was born before the famous Truman-over-Dewey election of 1948 bare their all for a room full of gawking strangers, but hey, to each their own, right? Besides, if some of you motherfuckers opened your minds a little bit, you might realize that women who have lived for six or more decades are usually a little bit more advanced in the ways of love than your average barely-legal nymphs, and can often take you places you never even dreamed existed (carnally, at least). So, I say again, what's the big deal about 61-year-old strippers?

Hey, Janine's out of the clink! Dig that shit. The legendary porn actress, as you may recall, was sent to prison on charges of tax evoysion (it's a word, look it up). But thanks to some unspoken-of deal (possibly good behavior, possibly blackmail), Janine's being set free a full two months early, which is bitchin' awesome news for those of us who love the hell out of Janine, like Vanity, her transsexual lover (are they still going at it? I've sort of lost track).

Man, I sure am glad my ass got deported from Ukraine. I lived there for a few years, making my living as a hemp-salesman/long-con grifter during the end of the twentieth century. One of the locals had eventually caught on to one of my grifts (it involved a pretty poorly planned counterfeit-vodka scheme) and alerted to the fuzz, and old MEAT BALL was on the next plane back to the USA (I was able to avoid prison by calling in some political favors I had stateside, but that's another story). But that's not the point of my story. The point is, I'm glad I'm not living there today, because I'd be facing some pretty fuckin' serious jail time, if I was.

Hey, man. Shakespeare loved to fuck, and we defy anybody to say different. The man has at least 18 illegitimate kids (or so they claim - though 17 of them are in some way connected to POPPORN so you may want to take that with a grain of salt), and anybody who knew him would swear upon the pain of death that the dude was a bawdy, sex-crazed fuck-fiend. Sure, anyone who knew him is long dead, but still...the point is, we really don't think Will Shakespeare would have had any sort of problem with a sex toy shop operating in his hometown of Stratford-on-Avon.

Here's one for the WTF category. Hang on a second, we're an adult entertainment blog aren't we? I don't need to say WTF. I can just throw out a good old fashioned "what the fuck" if I want to. Hell, I can even say "what the cummy pus-laced shit" if I want to. Who's gonna stop me? Shit.

So, yeah, while scouring the internet for scoops, I came across a nugget of a headline that made me spit out my meth-drizzled coffee: "50-year-old divorces child bride". A headline that like is even more of an attention grabber than something like "50-year-old marries child bride", because...well, you know...it means that this 50-year-old dude had already tied the knot with a very, very young lady, and I hadn't heard about it. Lord.